What has happened to our sense of community?  Our sense of neighbor helping neighbor?  For hundreds and thousands of years, that is how our societies worked.  And it worked well.  If our neighbor needed help harvesting their crops, the people in his/her community didn’t think twice about lending a hand.  Young and old turned out to pitch in.  If a barn needed raising, if someone was ill, if someone was in need, those closest to you came to your aid.  Why?  Because by helping your loved ones, by assisting your neighbors, you also helped yourself, you strengthened your community.

Over the past 50-100 years, that mindset has gone by the wayside.  It’s become all about looking out for number one.  It’s all about ME.  We’ve distanced ourselves, physically and emotionally from those around us, even our own families.  Where there used to be the family homestead, now families are spread so far and wide from each other that if they see each other once a year, it’s a miracle.  Sure, there is the internet, skype, text messaging, telephones, but that human, face to face touch is much too often pushed aside.  We don’t have time to sit down together and visit.  Instead we pop off a quick text message and feel like we’ve done our duty of keeping in touch.  There’s no more welcome wagon welcoming new people into our neighborhoods.  Someone new moves in next door and we barely greet them or introduce ourselves.  Don’t want to get too close.  We wouldn’t bother with asking to borrow a cup of sugar from the lady next door.  Just hop in the car and run to the store.  Much easier than walking a few steps over.  There’s something wrong with that picture.

We do not know what is going in the lives of our neighbors, and even more sadly, we barely know what is happening in the lives of our parents or siblings or children who live hundreds of miles away.  Oh, we talk to them now and then, but do we really know the whole story?  We don’t know who needs what.  And today, the question is, even if we did know that our family or neighbor needed some help with something, would we actually help them?  Or would that interfere with our lives too much and so we would simply ignore the need?

What worked for generation upon generation in the past could still work today if we would just get back to those basic things of caring for and about our community.  Of looking out for one another.  Of taking the time to ask our friends and family members what is really going on in their lives, actually listening to their answers and then responding.  Because the world has gotten so big and so immediate, we see this huge, massive picture of all the ills in the world, and I think sometimes we just give up and think  there is nothing we can do.  It’s too much.  But it’s not.  Not if we start at the home.  Start with the small circle.  Your family, your neighbors, your community.  As we start there and help them get stronger, then we all get stronger.  We feel empowered.  It starts with that first ripple in the pond and can then branch out from there.  We need to embrace those around us, lend a willing and helping hand, reach out to those in need.  Only then can our community grow and thrive.  One day, one person, one family at a time.  We must put the unity back in our lives and our communities.  We have to return to the basics.

One Sunday evening, several weeks ago,  I took a walk by myself after having a very challenging emotional day.  I was like the Tazmanian devil all day.  Unsettled internally; feeling like a total maniac and a horrible mother, etc.  Finally around 7:30, I realized I just had to get away from everything.  As I was heading over to our favorite walking spot, just down the road, I realized how many times I have said I just need to get away by myself, get away from everything, even if just for a day or two.  It hit me all at once that one thing I cannot get away from is myself.  Getting away from the other stuff is relatively easy.  But how do I get away from the ‘shitty committee’ that screams so loudly in my head?  How would I truly relax when the me inside would be there, being its typical hamster, running and running and running in that silly little ball.

As I started walking, the tears were streaming down my face.  What had happened?  Why couldn’t I be, why wasn’t I that person I had always so wanted to be? Why was I screaming at my beautiful, precious children?  Children I had fought so hard to have.  First there was James.  After being told that without very expensive procedures to help me get pregnant (which we couldn’t possibly afford), there was hardly any chance that we would ever have children biologically, we embarked on the road to adoption.  Miraculously, within two months, we were holding our precious two day old baby boy in the NICU of the Alaska Native Medical Center.  Then there was the unforgettable day when our fertility specialist told us that we were pregnant at long last, and not just with one, but with three miracles.  And then, totally out of the blue, came the unexpected miracle of the little Frankster.  All five of these incredible gifts, our children, are so precious to me and yet I don’t seem to be able to enjoy them as I want to.  To revel in them.  Because I’m constantly working, constantly worrying and fretting about money.  How to pay the bills.   I work my butt off constantly, in front of the computer, day and night.  On and on.   The pressure, the stress, the worries.  All those things take me away from what I really want.  And I feel like it’s all my fault.

But, as I walked, I looked around at the beauty of my surroundings; the rolling hills and mountains, the barn swallows chasing the evening insects, the cows grazing lazily in the fields, the red winged blackbirds perched along the fence posts, the colors of the setting sun playing against the backdrop of the clouds that dotted the sky.  And it made me stop and think about the fact that all these gifts that are freely given, to me, to enjoy, to soak up, to be a part of.  As I crested the top the of the last hill in the first half of my walk, there,  in the field were three beautiful white tailed deer.  So gorgeous and the perfect bow to the package that was wrapped all around me.  Like the icing on the cake.  I watched them for a few minutes until they caught my scent in the breeze and bounded off into the safety of the woods.

As I turned to head back the way I came, I took some deep, soul-cleansing breaths and decided I needed to stop lamenting all my failures, stop focusing on the fears and worries, and look at things in a different light.  In the light of all that I have been blessed with.  In light of those ‘gifts freely given’.  And it occurred to me, one of those ah-ha and duh moments, that not just was the beauty of nature a gift freely given, but so was, so are my children, my marriage, my home.  Duh! (Yes, some of those gifts were worked for, but they were miracles, gifts in my life, nonetheless.) And here I was, screaming at them, ignoring them, pushing them to the side, treating them in way that was not at all appreciative.  I have been taking them for granted.  And because of some of the situations that I, myself, had created, I was taking out my frustrations and angst on them.  How dare I do that?  I realized it was time for that to stop.  It was a freeing moment, a freeing realization.

Over the next few days, my thoughts focused on this newly found relief.  And the ah-ha’s expanded.  Here I am.  I have been given these incredible gifts.  Gifts I dreamed of all my life.  But I wasn’t ‘using’ them.  I wasn’t showing them the appreciation and the love and thankfulness they deserved.  I was, in sad reality, ignoring them, taking them for granted.  Yes, they had been given to me and they were mine but there it ended.  I wanted more, I needed more.  All these other things were interfering.  The fears, the worries, the frustrations, The need to work constantly.  To do more.  To prove more.  And it hit me, how can I have room in my life for more gifts if I haven’t even opened and enjoyed the ones that I already have?  There is no room for anything more.  It’s like if you get a ton of gifts for Christmas and instead of opening them, you just stack them in a corner, unopened, unused, unloved, unappreciated and leave them there.  When the next Christmas rolls around, no one is going to give you anything else because you haven’t even played with what they gave you last year and they see that you have no room for anything more.  It’s all well and good to visualize and dream and set goals and put your thoughts out in the universe, but when your gift basket is full, you have to appreciate, not just with lip service of thanks, but also with your actions of gratitude, the gifts in that basket.  Share your love with them.  Only then can more gifts be added to your basket.  But, and this is a big but, you cannot appreciate the gifts you already have just because you want more.  You must freely give your love and appreciation, with no expectation of anything back in return.  Yes, it’s a no brainer that that which you put out there will come back to you, but you can’t do it for that reason, for that expectation.  You do it with true and honest love in your heart.  True gratitude.  And gratitude, thanks, thanksgiving and appreciation all require action.  Not just words.

My life has changed since that walk.  Yes, the challenges are still there but internally, my soul, my perspective has shifted.  I am cherishing my gifts.  Taking time out to play games with the kids, go to the lake with the family, embrace them just because.  Is it all roses and peaches?  No, but those moments of togetherness, those “Mommy, I love you.” moments, taking time to breath and relish that which is around me make the challenges less daunting and overwhelming.  Each day is a new opportunity to enjoy these wonderful gifts I have been so blessed with.  A corner has been turned in my life.  A new chapter has begun and I am so thankful I turned that page at long last.

One more step completed this morning in my back to college journey.  Met with my advisor at UNCA and we plotted out a course of action so I can finish up my bachelor’s degree.  Tomorrow evening I must attend the transfer student’s orientation and then I can finally register for my fall classes on Thursday afternoon.  All my ducks are in their proverbial row as far as all my transcripts, immunization records, etc, being processed and approved.  Yeah!  So, while my five children all start school on August 17th this year, mommy will be heading back, too, on August 23rd.  I know it will be challenge as I plan on taking 4-5 classes, but I will make it.  Plus, it will be fun to sit down in the evenings with the kids at the dining room table and do our homework together.

My children, as well as all the other students across the state North Carolina, are once again undergoing the inane and dreaded EOG (End of Grade) testing for their schools.  As my oldest son says whenever we get on this subject, “Oh, don’t get mom started.”  And he’s right.  This whole system, which does little, if anything, for the students, is an outrage in my opinion.  For over the past month, the teachers have hardly been teaching the kids anything new.  Why?
Because they have to prepare them for these tests, because they have to ‘teach to the test’.  Why?  Because their jobs, their pay, the funding their schools receive, are all dependent on the results of these tests.  So for the last two months or more of our children’s school year, they learn very little new material.  And, yes, our tax dollars are paying for this insanity.  We should all be outraged!  The teachers, the school administrators, have to, for job security, for funding, make sure the students as well as possible on these tests so they must, by necessity, teach mostly what these tests will entail in order to prepare the students for them.  Wouldn’t it be more logical, as well as more educational, to teach them, throughout the year, what they need to learn and not have to jump through the mandated EOG testing hoops at the end of each year?  (Not only do they have to spend time at the end of the year doing this, but they also do practice EOG testing at the beginning of each year to see where the students stand ahead of time.)

The pressure all this nonsense places on the students, the administrators and the teachers is absurd.  We still, as a country, as a state, have a ridiculously high drop-out rate.  Our schools are still very underfunded (just watch the news these days.  More and more educational budget cuts are expected in the upcoming school year. It makes me so sad.  Let’s cut the money going toward educating the future generation.  Yeah, that makes total sense.  NOT!  Our children’s future depends on this; OUR futures depend on the children in school today. ) Then you take into account that the schools that do struggle with ‘making these marks’ are generally in areas that have a higher poverty rate and fewer parents at home to help with homework issues (because they’re working two plus jobs just to get by) and lower teacher salaries.  So, they don’t make the mark, they don’t get the funding and they fall further behind.  And, the cycle continues.

There must be a better solution.  I have no idea what the cost to the states, to the government, is to put out these EOG tests, to pay for the grading, to pay for the results, to keep track of all this, but my guess is that it is pretty darn high.  Wouldn’t it make more sense to put that money into the educational system in a more constructive way?  Maybe something like paying our teachers a better salary.  Maybe like not having our teachers live under the constant threat of budget cuts and layoffs?  Maybe allowing teachers to actually teach new material over the last two months of the school year?  Maybe something like putting more money into special services and/or tutoring for those students that are struggling with keeping up?  What happened to teaching the basics?  To administering finals at the end of the year to see if the kids learned the materials they were taught in the classroom and basing their academic acheivement on that?  It seems to me that when we were growing up and going to school, our teachers taught us the basics, we learned them and we moved on and educationally, we were a strong country (keeping in mind that I am 45 years old).  Our drop out rates were lower.  What happened?  And why, oh why, do we have this insane and inane EOG system going now?

Here is the essay I wrote for my application for UNCA admissions this fall.  The prompt was Choose a person of historical significance you would like to have dinner with and explain why.

As a woman, wife, student, business owner and mother of five children, I would relish the opportunity to sit down with Gloria Steinem and share a meal.  Although she was not the first or only woman to be instrumental in the women’s rights movement, she was certainly very influential.

There are certain things I would like to ask her.  The most important question I would pose to her would be, if she could stand where we are now and look back at her push toward women in the workplace, especially, would today’s reality meet up with what her vision was in the 1970’s?  Again, being a woman with all the other hats I wear in my life and although I certainly agree that women should have the right, the choice to work, vote, be paid the same as men, etc., I have to wonder if the women who led the women’s  movement,  expected that while women would achieve most of these rights, they would also, almost always, still retain the responsibilities of running the home, taking care of the children, preparing meals for their families, household chores, etc., even while working at least part-time outside the home.  If Ms. Steinem had had a crystal ball to see this vision of the future, I wonder if she would have been more specific in her push, stating that women should not have to shoulder the same responsibilities of the past and also the new ones they were afforded with their new rights.

I’m sure you’ve all noticed that prices at the pump are rising once again. Yes, it’s getting into the summer months. Yes, more people will be traveling. But is that an excuse for the oil companies to jack up their prices again? I guess in their minds it is. And they feel they can get away with it because we’ll all pay whatever the price is. But should we? Do we really need to? Let’s think back to two years ago when the cost soared to $4.00 per gallon. My guess is that most of us cut back. We had to. And if you think back, you realize that it wasn’t all that bad. We all do a lot of unnecessary driving. Too much. We tend to not combine trips out. If we feel the need to run to the store for just one or two little things, we hop in our cars and do it. Never mind that that is half a gallon of gas. No big deal. But how many times do we do that a week? What is it costing our pockets and our environment?

Maybe, just maybe, if we all start acting as though gas costs $4/gallon again and cut back, the oil companies will not be able raise it back up there. They’ll get the message that they cannot do that just because they can and get away with it. We need to send some strong, clear messages that we are aware of what they are doing, that we do not have to demand all that gas, that we care about the cost to the environment, and that we are not going to continuously play into their greedy hands.

I have had to take our oldest son to school the past few days, due to certain circumstances, but usually, all our children ride the bus. I must say that I am totally taken aback, flabbergasted, and appalled by just how many parents drive their kids to school each day, when there are buses available to everyone. I do not understand this phenomenon. And I know it is not just his school; it goes for elementary, middle and high schools.  If you drive past any of the public schools at drop off or pick up times, you will see lines of cars. There has to be 300 or more cars dropping off students at his school each morning and there is a student population of about 900. That is 1/3 of the students being car riders. This seems to me a complete and total waste of fossil fuel, time, energy and money, not to mention the damage it is doing to the environment! All these cars driving to and from their homes to the schools and back again, idling in lines, wasting gas, polluting the air. Somebody please explain this to me. We are fortunate enough that our public schools provide our children with reliable transportation each and every day and still this many people do not use it? What is the thought process here? I can see once in a while, when there are extenuating circumstances, that there would be a need to transport your child by car, but 99% of the time, why not take advantage of what is offered? Please. Rethink your habits. Consider what this habit is costing us all in so many ways.

My office space in our house is not just buzzing as it is tax season and that is my other business, but now it is cheeping and peeping, too, with the sounds of Spring. Monday we got 15 baby chicks ( variety of breeds) and 2 ducklings (mallards)! Had to stop by Tractor Supply to get feed and waterers and they happened to have ducklings, and well, I just couldn’t resist. Then Meghan, Frankie and I drove out to Leicester to Double G Ranch to get our baby chicks. If you have never been out there, to the farm, that is, you really should go. What an incredibly place and Valerie and Lance are the best! They have goats, chickens, ducks, guinea hens, pigs and a beautiful setting for their farm. They are having farm days throughout the spring, summer, and fall so keep an eye on their website for those dates and take the time to go out and visit! They also sell their farm products at the West Asheville Farmer’s Market which will be opening at the end of April. We are so fortunate to live in an area that supports and promotes our local growers. Thank you to all our area farmers and bakers who share their wonders with us.

We let the ducklings swim around in our upstairs bathtub last night and they were so cute. The kids were absolutely entranced, watching the ducks’ little webbed feet take so naturally to the water, watching them swish their tails and dive beneath the water. Too much fun. Our chicken coop has now been completely cleaned out and reinforced. Of course, it will be several weeks before the babies can go outside to stay, but everything is ready for them.

LAWNS
• Consider aerating the lawn with a core aerator as early as possible. This will
allow spring rains to soak into the ground more readily.
• DO NOT fertilize cool season lawns (fescue and bluegrass). Nitrogen applied this late is an
invitation for brown patch fungus disease in June.
• Maintain mowing height for fescue lawns at 3 to 3 ½ inches.
• Even though it is a bit late, you might still try seeding those bare areas left by last summer’s
drought.
ORNAMENTALS
• Apply a fresh layer of mulch to landscape beds before summer weeds germinate. Pull the winter
weeds first. Only add enough mulch so that the total depth of mulch is no more than 4 inches.
• Try planting those spent Easter lilies in the garden. Keep them indoors until May, then plant them
about 5 inches deep in a sunny location. They probably will not bloom again this year, but should
be back next summer.
• Let the foliage of the spring bulbs die most of the way down before cutting the leaves. The bulb
needs to absorb that energy for next spring.
• As soon as spring blooming shrubs have finished blooming, it’s time to prune if they have gotten
too large.
• Do not plant frost-tender flowers before May unless you will be able to cover them in case of frost.
FRUITS
• Pull weeds in the strawberry bed and put straw mulch between the rows.
• Fertilize fruit trees, blueberries, grape vines, and brambles.
• Finish pruning brambles, grape vine and fruit trees.
VEGETABLES
• When the soil is not too wet to work, till or turn over the soil for May planting, incorporate lime and
phosphate according to soil test recommendations.
• Set out transplants for cool season crops such as cabbage, broccoli and lettuce. Make sure they
are hardened off before planting into the garden.
• You can still start transplants for warm season vegetables.
• Begin “hardening off” warm season transplants a week or two before planting in early to mid-May.
• Have row cover fabric handy if frost sensitive crops are planted before May.

OTHER
• The first hummingbirds arrive in our area between April 10th and 15th. Get the
hummingbird feeders cleaned and ready to go out.

Eight years ago today was a gloomy and sad morning for our family, as dad had passed away just after midnight. My step-mother and I were with him as he took his final breath in this life and passed over to the next. As sad as it was to bid farewell, the peace that swept over his face in that final moment was just incredible. He had been suffering in pain for several weeks as we had to stand by and watch, but at that passing moment, you just knew that all that pain was wiped away and he had gone to place of love and painlessness, and joy. I am eternally grateful that I was fortunate enough to be with him at that time. (It was the day before Meghan, Topher and TJ’s 2nd birthday.)

I still miss my dad to this day. Of course, as they say, time has lessened the pain, but there are definitely times when I just wish I could pick up the phone and call him and tell him about something special that has happened in my day that I know he would have loved to hear about. I wish he could have had the chance to get to know the triplets longer and to have met Frankie, and to see James as he has been growing up to be the incredible young man that stands before me today. I wish he had been around to see Joe and I buy this old farmhouse we have been living in now for almost three years. Dad instilled in me the love for old farmhouses! He would have loved it. Of course, he most certainly would have told us that we need to make our garden bigger! But, alas, Dad, that will come in time. I promise. I can almost see dad sitting on the front porch with me, in one of the rocking chairs, with his trusty pipe in his hand, his drivers hat on and his old gardening shoes, telling stories and enjoying his grandchildren and a mild spring day.

To be perfectly honest, the relationship between myself and my father, in my adult years, was often tumultuous. To this day, I still do not understand why it had to be that way. And sadly, I guess I will never have peace with that. We had many ups and downs over those years but the bottom line is that I loved him so deeply it sometimes hurt and still does. He was my hero in my childhood. Protecting me from things that never should have been; taking me fishing; calling me Pawtucket; teaching me my love of family, animals, gardening, nature; guiding me along the way; holding my hand as we walked through the fields in Pennsylvania; reading me Uncle Remus stories-complete with the accent!; cheering me on as Joe and I moved to Alaska (a dream he instilled in me); cheering us on again as we adopted James; trying his best to teach me to slow down and enjoy the stillness of life more (still working on that one, Dad!). And all those things override and calm the storms that at times brewed between us and my love and admiration for my father shine through.

I need to learn to putter a little more in my life. My father had the art of puttering down to a science! He puttered in his gardens. He puttered in the kitchen. He puttered around the house. Pipe in one hand, coffee cup in the other. He enjoyed what was around him. He literally took the time to smell the coffee and the roses. That is a lesson I need to implement in my life more. I am constantly on the run. Everything seems like a MUST get done right now. But in reality, there are many things that can wait till the morrow. There is a balance and in honor of my father, I need to work on that.

I love you, Dad, and I miss your physical presence in my life. I know you are with me in spirit and someday, we will see other again and I want you to read me an Uncle Remus story while we fish on a lake somewhere!

Until then!