What has happened to our sense of community?  Our sense of neighbor helping neighbor?  For hundreds and thousands of years, that is how our societies worked.  And it worked well.  If our neighbor needed help harvesting their crops, the people in his/her community didn’t think twice about lending a hand.  Young and old turned out to pitch in.  If a barn needed raising, if someone was ill, if someone was in need, those closest to you came to your aid.  Why?  Because by helping your loved ones, by assisting your neighbors, you also helped yourself, you strengthened your community.

Over the past 50-100 years, that mindset has gone by the wayside.  It’s become all about looking out for number one.  It’s all about ME.  We’ve distanced ourselves, physically and emotionally from those around us, even our own families.  Where there used to be the family homestead, now families are spread so far and wide from each other that if they see each other once a year, it’s a miracle.  Sure, there is the internet, skype, text messaging, telephones, but that human, face to face touch is much too often pushed aside.  We don’t have time to sit down together and visit.  Instead we pop off a quick text message and feel like we’ve done our duty of keeping in touch.  There’s no more welcome wagon welcoming new people into our neighborhoods.  Someone new moves in next door and we barely greet them or introduce ourselves.  Don’t want to get too close.  We wouldn’t bother with asking to borrow a cup of sugar from the lady next door.  Just hop in the car and run to the store.  Much easier than walking a few steps over.  There’s something wrong with that picture.

We do not know what is going in the lives of our neighbors, and even more sadly, we barely know what is happening in the lives of our parents or siblings or children who live hundreds of miles away.  Oh, we talk to them now and then, but do we really know the whole story?  We don’t know who needs what.  And today, the question is, even if we did know that our family or neighbor needed some help with something, would we actually help them?  Or would that interfere with our lives too much and so we would simply ignore the need?

What worked for generation upon generation in the past could still work today if we would just get back to those basic things of caring for and about our community.  Of looking out for one another.  Of taking the time to ask our friends and family members what is really going on in their lives, actually listening to their answers and then responding.  Because the world has gotten so big and so immediate, we see this huge, massive picture of all the ills in the world, and I think sometimes we just give up and think  there is nothing we can do.  It’s too much.  But it’s not.  Not if we start at the home.  Start with the small circle.  Your family, your neighbors, your community.  As we start there and help them get stronger, then we all get stronger.  We feel empowered.  It starts with that first ripple in the pond and can then branch out from there.  We need to embrace those around us, lend a willing and helping hand, reach out to those in need.  Only then can our community grow and thrive.  One day, one person, one family at a time.  We must put the unity back in our lives and our communities.  We have to return to the basics.

It used to be that this idea was a given.  For our grandparents, our parents and even for some of us who are a bit older.  Of course we all sat down together for dinner.  What else were we supposed to do?  Where else would we be?  We probably did not realize that that time together was part of glue that held our families, our family life together.  It was simply something we did every night after everyone was home from school and work.  It was part of our daily lives.  A time to share and break bread and reflect, together, on the things that had taken place in each of our days.

Sadly, nowadays, this is not a given.  And of all times when this tradition should be vitally important, it is often ignored.  In this age of techology, when we communicate so often through technology, be it cell phones, emails, social networking websites, etc., human, face to face, eye to eye contact is not experienced.  But we are social creatures.  We need, desire and crave that human touch.  Desire to look into someone else’s eyes and see their soul reflected there.  It’s all well and good to express your feelings and talk about your day’s happenings in a quick post on Facebook or what have you, but let’s be honest, are we completely honest in those posts?  Do we really want to all those people our most intimate and private thoughts and feelings?  I don’t think we do.  And even if we do, something, by the very nature of such communication, gets lost in the translation.  A smily face cannot possibly express true, unabashed joy.  In the same way, a sad face doesn’t express the true depth and breadth of sadness.  Is it just a little ouch or is it gut wrenching sobs?

And who better to share these most honest feelings with than with the people who matter most to you?  Your family.  Whether it’s gathering around the dining room table, sitting on a blanket having a picnic, or what have you, the mere act of sitting down with each other, passing the potatoes and the salt and pepper, breaking bread can be a healing part of our long, often arduous day.  We can let our hair down, smile across the table at our spouse or children, refortify our beings-both physically and emotionally by simply sharing that little half an hour together.   (A key point here is to do so without distractions such as a television or the interruption of phone calls-we turn our phones off during our dinner time.)  This is a time to focus on one another, on our family, to let each other know that the other people are more important to us than other things that can demand our attention.

One of my dearest friends told me a long time ago that one of the things that her grown children always talked about when they got together later in life was how important that family dinner was to them in their memories.  They recalled how no matter how crazy their day had been, they knew that at dinner time, they would all gather and there was someone there who cared and would listen to them.  Those are the types of things I hope my children remember most.

So often, we get caught in with thinking that what will matter most to our children when they are grown up and on their own will be their memories of material things we were able to give them.  But when you think back on your childhood, do you remember what you got for your 12th birthday or the times you and your family were just hanging out, being together?  Those happy and warm memories.  They are the ones that fill you with those warm, fuzzy feelings of yesterday.

We all need a time in our day to reconnect with other people.  Life can get crazy busy, schedules often get so heavy we don’t know how to find, but let’s try to remember how important those face to face connections are, for ourselves as well as the loved ones in our lives, and make time to, on a more frequent basis, to sit down at the family dinner table together.

One Sunday evening, several weeks ago,  I took a walk by myself after having a very challenging emotional day.  I was like the Tazmanian devil all day.  Unsettled internally; feeling like a total maniac and a horrible mother, etc.  Finally around 7:30, I realized I just had to get away from everything.  As I was heading over to our favorite walking spot, just down the road, I realized how many times I have said I just need to get away by myself, get away from everything, even if just for a day or two.  It hit me all at once that one thing I cannot get away from is myself.  Getting away from the other stuff is relatively easy.  But how do I get away from the ‘shitty committee’ that screams so loudly in my head?  How would I truly relax when the me inside would be there, being its typical hamster, running and running and running in that silly little ball.

As I started walking, the tears were streaming down my face.  What had happened?  Why couldn’t I be, why wasn’t I that person I had always so wanted to be? Why was I screaming at my beautiful, precious children?  Children I had fought so hard to have.  First there was James.  After being told that without very expensive procedures to help me get pregnant (which we couldn’t possibly afford), there was hardly any chance that we would ever have children biologically, we embarked on the road to adoption.  Miraculously, within two months, we were holding our precious two day old baby boy in the NICU of the Alaska Native Medical Center.  Then there was the unforgettable day when our fertility specialist told us that we were pregnant at long last, and not just with one, but with three miracles.  And then, totally out of the blue, came the unexpected miracle of the little Frankster.  All five of these incredible gifts, our children, are so precious to me and yet I don’t seem to be able to enjoy them as I want to.  To revel in them.  Because I’m constantly working, constantly worrying and fretting about money.  How to pay the bills.   I work my butt off constantly, in front of the computer, day and night.  On and on.   The pressure, the stress, the worries.  All those things take me away from what I really want.  And I feel like it’s all my fault.

But, as I walked, I looked around at the beauty of my surroundings; the rolling hills and mountains, the barn swallows chasing the evening insects, the cows grazing lazily in the fields, the red winged blackbirds perched along the fence posts, the colors of the setting sun playing against the backdrop of the clouds that dotted the sky.  And it made me stop and think about the fact that all these gifts that are freely given, to me, to enjoy, to soak up, to be a part of.  As I crested the top the of the last hill in the first half of my walk, there,  in the field were three beautiful white tailed deer.  So gorgeous and the perfect bow to the package that was wrapped all around me.  Like the icing on the cake.  I watched them for a few minutes until they caught my scent in the breeze and bounded off into the safety of the woods.

As I turned to head back the way I came, I took some deep, soul-cleansing breaths and decided I needed to stop lamenting all my failures, stop focusing on the fears and worries, and look at things in a different light.  In the light of all that I have been blessed with.  In light of those ‘gifts freely given’.  And it occurred to me, one of those ah-ha and duh moments, that not just was the beauty of nature a gift freely given, but so was, so are my children, my marriage, my home.  Duh! (Yes, some of those gifts were worked for, but they were miracles, gifts in my life, nonetheless.) And here I was, screaming at them, ignoring them, pushing them to the side, treating them in way that was not at all appreciative.  I have been taking them for granted.  And because of some of the situations that I, myself, had created, I was taking out my frustrations and angst on them.  How dare I do that?  I realized it was time for that to stop.  It was a freeing moment, a freeing realization.

Over the next few days, my thoughts focused on this newly found relief.  And the ah-ha’s expanded.  Here I am.  I have been given these incredible gifts.  Gifts I dreamed of all my life.  But I wasn’t ‘using’ them.  I wasn’t showing them the appreciation and the love and thankfulness they deserved.  I was, in sad reality, ignoring them, taking them for granted.  Yes, they had been given to me and they were mine but there it ended.  I wanted more, I needed more.  All these other things were interfering.  The fears, the worries, the frustrations, The need to work constantly.  To do more.  To prove more.  And it hit me, how can I have room in my life for more gifts if I haven’t even opened and enjoyed the ones that I already have?  There is no room for anything more.  It’s like if you get a ton of gifts for Christmas and instead of opening them, you just stack them in a corner, unopened, unused, unloved, unappreciated and leave them there.  When the next Christmas rolls around, no one is going to give you anything else because you haven’t even played with what they gave you last year and they see that you have no room for anything more.  It’s all well and good to visualize and dream and set goals and put your thoughts out in the universe, but when your gift basket is full, you have to appreciate, not just with lip service of thanks, but also with your actions of gratitude, the gifts in that basket.  Share your love with them.  Only then can more gifts be added to your basket.  But, and this is a big but, you cannot appreciate the gifts you already have just because you want more.  You must freely give your love and appreciation, with no expectation of anything back in return.  Yes, it’s a no brainer that that which you put out there will come back to you, but you can’t do it for that reason, for that expectation.  You do it with true and honest love in your heart.  True gratitude.  And gratitude, thanks, thanksgiving and appreciation all require action.  Not just words.

My life has changed since that walk.  Yes, the challenges are still there but internally, my soul, my perspective has shifted.  I am cherishing my gifts.  Taking time out to play games with the kids, go to the lake with the family, embrace them just because.  Is it all roses and peaches?  No, but those moments of togetherness, those “Mommy, I love you.” moments, taking time to breath and relish that which is around me make the challenges less daunting and overwhelming.  Each day is a new opportunity to enjoy these wonderful gifts I have been so blessed with.  A corner has been turned in my life.  A new chapter has begun and I am so thankful I turned that page at long last.

And what a gorgeous night it was for a walk. Hundreds of barn swallows silhoutted against the backdrop of the setting sun as they dove and swirled, chasing the evening bugs.  Bull frogs croacking away in the farm’s pond.  The corn is now taller than any of us.  Ah, summer nights.

Summer Nights

Getting ready to head out in a few minutes for our evening family walk.  Always such a nice way to calm ourselves and wind down from the day, spending a half hour or so, enjoying each other’s company and relishing the beauty of the landscape aournd us.

I had the most wonderful Mother’s day this year.  Nothing exotic, expensive or frilly.  Just a relaxing, fun day with my five children and my husband.  I slept in, until 10:30 am, and got up to a spic and span house.  Joe and the kids had cleaned the entire downstairs, including mopping the kitchen floor! I promised myself that I would take the whole day and not work a lick and I stuck to that promise.  (A very difficult thing for a workaholic to do.)

After hanging out on the front porch, sipping my several cups of morning coffee, we all piled in the car and headed over the NC Arboretum.  We took a leisurely four plus mile hike around their grounds.  The weather was just perfect.  Not too hot, a nice breeze blowing through the trees, clear blue skies.  When we got back home, Joe and the kids made a delicious pork roast with potatoes and applesauce.  It was the perfect way, the perfect day to celebrate motherhood.  Relaxing, cherishing and spending time with my family.  Yep.  Life is good.

Eight years ago today was a gloomy and sad morning for our family, as dad had passed away just after midnight. My step-mother and I were with him as he took his final breath in this life and passed over to the next. As sad as it was to bid farewell, the peace that swept over his face in that final moment was just incredible. He had been suffering in pain for several weeks as we had to stand by and watch, but at that passing moment, you just knew that all that pain was wiped away and he had gone to place of love and painlessness, and joy. I am eternally grateful that I was fortunate enough to be with him at that time. (It was the day before Meghan, Topher and TJ’s 2nd birthday.)

I still miss my dad to this day. Of course, as they say, time has lessened the pain, but there are definitely times when I just wish I could pick up the phone and call him and tell him about something special that has happened in my day that I know he would have loved to hear about. I wish he could have had the chance to get to know the triplets longer and to have met Frankie, and to see James as he has been growing up to be the incredible young man that stands before me today. I wish he had been around to see Joe and I buy this old farmhouse we have been living in now for almost three years. Dad instilled in me the love for old farmhouses! He would have loved it. Of course, he most certainly would have told us that we need to make our garden bigger! But, alas, Dad, that will come in time. I promise. I can almost see dad sitting on the front porch with me, in one of the rocking chairs, with his trusty pipe in his hand, his drivers hat on and his old gardening shoes, telling stories and enjoying his grandchildren and a mild spring day.

To be perfectly honest, the relationship between myself and my father, in my adult years, was often tumultuous. To this day, I still do not understand why it had to be that way. And sadly, I guess I will never have peace with that. We had many ups and downs over those years but the bottom line is that I loved him so deeply it sometimes hurt and still does. He was my hero in my childhood. Protecting me from things that never should have been; taking me fishing; calling me Pawtucket; teaching me my love of family, animals, gardening, nature; guiding me along the way; holding my hand as we walked through the fields in Pennsylvania; reading me Uncle Remus stories-complete with the accent!; cheering me on as Joe and I moved to Alaska (a dream he instilled in me); cheering us on again as we adopted James; trying his best to teach me to slow down and enjoy the stillness of life more (still working on that one, Dad!). And all those things override and calm the storms that at times brewed between us and my love and admiration for my father shine through.

I need to learn to putter a little more in my life. My father had the art of puttering down to a science! He puttered in his gardens. He puttered in the kitchen. He puttered around the house. Pipe in one hand, coffee cup in the other. He enjoyed what was around him. He literally took the time to smell the coffee and the roses. That is a lesson I need to implement in my life more. I am constantly on the run. Everything seems like a MUST get done right now. But in reality, there are many things that can wait till the morrow. There is a balance and in honor of my father, I need to work on that.

I love you, Dad, and I miss your physical presence in my life. I know you are with me in spirit and someday, we will see other again and I want you to read me an Uncle Remus story while we fish on a lake somewhere!

Until then!

Love note from my husband, today, our 20th anniversary:

“Willy Wonka might not have been right. The man who got everything he wantED, might not have lived happily ever after. I know that I have more than I could have ever dreamed of. Everything I have, every adventure we’ve had, every story that people tell about us is because of YOU. My sweet Lorelei. Please forgive me if sometimes I forget that. The best thing I ever did was to go to 45 Cherry Street that night. Always know that you are the reason I smile, the reason I breathe. I can’t imagine what the next 20 years and beyond will bring, but I know it will be wonderful because I’ll spend it with you. I love you.”

Oh, yeah, that’s the man I married!

Me and Joe

We’re all wearing layers, even in the house. The heat pump is working overtime, 24/7 and running our electric bill through the roof. Windows and doors covered either in plastic or with blankets trying to keep the chill out. Kids stuck inside and getting cabin fever. Expected this type of weather when Joe and I lived in Alaska for almost seven years, but no here in North Carolina. Brings back memories. Must say, I’m ready for some 40 degree days again! But, despite the cold, we’re enjoying our time together. Working on crafts, watching movies and cuddling on the couch. I just finished crocheting Meghan a beautiful deep purple hooded scarf. She looks so cute in it. A little Russian baby doll with her red hair! Still working on the afghan for Joe for our 20th anniversary which is this coming Thursday. (I made him an afghan as a wedding gift 20 years ago, so it seemed appropriate.) Topher is working on his first afghan. Meghan continues to practice her knitting skills. And T.J. has been cranking out some woven potholders. James and his friend, Tyler, have been trying to trap the rogue raccoon who killed all our chickens just before Christmas. Work for Joe has been very slow at the surveying company. This is, in general, a slow time of year anyway, but add into that the economy, the snow and the arctic cold, and there are very few crews out in the field. But regardless of the tight purse strings, life in our home, with our family, is wonderful. I am thankful everyday for our children and the life we have.

Decked the Halls

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to each and every one of you and your families. We hope that 2009 was a blessed year for you. As Joe is stringing the lights on our tree, a project that always tends to be a ‘stay out of the way’ job, I thought I would take this time to write our 2009 Christmas letter.

We have had a wonderful and fun filled year despite the economic crisis that has been so prevalent in all our lives. Although Joe’s hours at work were cut back some, we are thankful that he still has a job. My business has remained steady despite losing a few clients that sadly had to close their doors. Always sad and disheartening to witness. In May, my mother and I flew out to Kansas City for my oldest niece’s high school graduation. I had not been to the Midwest in thirteen years so it was fun to go back for a few days. We were lucky enough to be able to stay with my brother and his family and we had a fabulous time visiting. In late June, we headed to Edisto Island, SC for a family vacation with my sister and her family. We had never been there before and found it so beautiful, quiet, remote and relaxing. No high rises along the beach. Just a quiet, quaint beach town, like beach towns used to be. We stayed in a nice condo just two buildings down from Amy and her family. This was Frankie’s first trip to the ocean! We spent a week there, playing in the surf, watching the dolphins, flying kites and enjoying each other with no interruptions. In early July, we went to Cataloochee for our annual camping trip with all our friends for four days. Always a great time in the woods, playing in the creek, hanging out around the campfire, eating s’mores, seeing the elk, and sleeping in tents. Not more than a week after that, Joe and his mother flew out to Sante Fe, NM for our oldest niece’s wedding. All his family was there for the celebration, all the way from Spain and Ecuador! He had a fabulous time spending time with all of them. So, all in all, we had a great time with our travels throughout the summer.

In March, Meghan, Topher and TJ turned nine years old. Hard to believe when you look back at those early days that we made it so far. In August, the oldest four started back to school. James is in his final year of middle school, in the 8^th grade. Wow, high school is only a few months away for him. Yikes! Topher, TJ and Meghan are in 4^th grade this year. One more year in elementary school for them. Frankie will start kindergarten this coming August. Holy moly. James was on the cross country team this fall and fell right into the rhythm of being a runner. He has also participated in two 5K runs over the past few months and plans on doing more in the coming year. He is taking a break from sports during the winter months, but will try out for track and field in the spring. The triplets are all in the Odyssey of the Mind program after school and Joe is their team’s coach. (OM is a fabulous program. If you get a chance, check it out online at odysseyofthemind.com) They also participated in Super Saturdays at the University of NC-Asheville for six consecutive Saturdays in the fall. It is an enrichment program for A/B students. Topher took a class called Math Discoveries; TJ took hand-built pottery; and Meghan took beginning knitting. They will undoubtedly do it again in the spring. All three of them are also in the chorus in school. As you can imagine, all these activities keep us all hopping, but they’re fun and the kids are learning so much. We are so very proud of each and every one of them for their talents and accomplishments.

We spent a lot of time this summer and fall canning. Made our traditional trek out to Hendersonville to the orchard for apple picking in early September. Our canning this year included: bread and butter pickles, dill pickles, peach butter, 49 quarts of grape juice (from our own grape vine!), applesauce, apple butter, apple pie filling in a jar, and spiced apple rings. We ended up running out of room to store our canned treasures, so Joe built a gorgeous canning shelf which sits regally in our dining room, filled with beautiful jars of our concoctions.

We are still loving our beautiful old farmhouse and we are decking it out for the holidays, of course. The kids are excited about Christmas and we’re having fun making and baking cookies and candies and other holiday favorite goodies. Christmas Eve will find us at church and then home for our grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup dinner. Christmas day will find us up early, opening gifts and sipping coffee and hot cocoa in our jammies and then having our traditional Christmas day dinner of leg of lamb and other yummies with family. We always hope for a white Christmas, but chances are slim on that one.

We love you all and are blessed to have you in our lives. Enjoy this special time of the year and know that you are in our thoughts and our hearts!

Love and Peace,

The Kanes-Lori, Joe, James, Topher, Meghan, TJ and Frankie