It used to be that this idea was a given.  For our grandparents, our parents and even for some of us who are a bit older.  Of course we all sat down together for dinner.  What else were we supposed to do?  Where else would we be?  We probably did not realize that that time together was part of glue that held our families, our family life together.  It was simply something we did every night after everyone was home from school and work.  It was part of our daily lives.  A time to share and break bread and reflect, together, on the things that had taken place in each of our days.

Sadly, nowadays, this is not a given.  And of all times when this tradition should be vitally important, it is often ignored.  In this age of techology, when we communicate so often through technology, be it cell phones, emails, social networking websites, etc., human, face to face, eye to eye contact is not experienced.  But we are social creatures.  We need, desire and crave that human touch.  Desire to look into someone else’s eyes and see their soul reflected there.  It’s all well and good to express your feelings and talk about your day’s happenings in a quick post on Facebook or what have you, but let’s be honest, are we completely honest in those posts?  Do we really want to all those people our most intimate and private thoughts and feelings?  I don’t think we do.  And even if we do, something, by the very nature of such communication, gets lost in the translation.  A smily face cannot possibly express true, unabashed joy.  In the same way, a sad face doesn’t express the true depth and breadth of sadness.  Is it just a little ouch or is it gut wrenching sobs?

And who better to share these most honest feelings with than with the people who matter most to you?  Your family.  Whether it’s gathering around the dining room table, sitting on a blanket having a picnic, or what have you, the mere act of sitting down with each other, passing the potatoes and the salt and pepper, breaking bread can be a healing part of our long, often arduous day.  We can let our hair down, smile across the table at our spouse or children, refortify our beings-both physically and emotionally by simply sharing that little half an hour together.   (A key point here is to do so without distractions such as a television or the interruption of phone calls-we turn our phones off during our dinner time.)  This is a time to focus on one another, on our family, to let each other know that the other people are more important to us than other things that can demand our attention.

One of my dearest friends told me a long time ago that one of the things that her grown children always talked about when they got together later in life was how important that family dinner was to them in their memories.  They recalled how no matter how crazy their day had been, they knew that at dinner time, they would all gather and there was someone there who cared and would listen to them.  Those are the types of things I hope my children remember most.

So often, we get caught in with thinking that what will matter most to our children when they are grown up and on their own will be their memories of material things we were able to give them.  But when you think back on your childhood, do you remember what you got for your 12th birthday or the times you and your family were just hanging out, being together?  Those happy and warm memories.  They are the ones that fill you with those warm, fuzzy feelings of yesterday.

We all need a time in our day to reconnect with other people.  Life can get crazy busy, schedules often get so heavy we don’t know how to find, but let’s try to remember how important those face to face connections are, for ourselves as well as the loved ones in our lives, and make time to, on a more frequent basis, to sit down at the family dinner table together.

One Sunday evening, several weeks ago,  I took a walk by myself after having a very challenging emotional day.  I was like the Tazmanian devil all day.  Unsettled internally; feeling like a total maniac and a horrible mother, etc.  Finally around 7:30, I realized I just had to get away from everything.  As I was heading over to our favorite walking spot, just down the road, I realized how many times I have said I just need to get away by myself, get away from everything, even if just for a day or two.  It hit me all at once that one thing I cannot get away from is myself.  Getting away from the other stuff is relatively easy.  But how do I get away from the ‘shitty committee’ that screams so loudly in my head?  How would I truly relax when the me inside would be there, being its typical hamster, running and running and running in that silly little ball.

As I started walking, the tears were streaming down my face.  What had happened?  Why couldn’t I be, why wasn’t I that person I had always so wanted to be? Why was I screaming at my beautiful, precious children?  Children I had fought so hard to have.  First there was James.  After being told that without very expensive procedures to help me get pregnant (which we couldn’t possibly afford), there was hardly any chance that we would ever have children biologically, we embarked on the road to adoption.  Miraculously, within two months, we were holding our precious two day old baby boy in the NICU of the Alaska Native Medical Center.  Then there was the unforgettable day when our fertility specialist told us that we were pregnant at long last, and not just with one, but with three miracles.  And then, totally out of the blue, came the unexpected miracle of the little Frankster.  All five of these incredible gifts, our children, are so precious to me and yet I don’t seem to be able to enjoy them as I want to.  To revel in them.  Because I’m constantly working, constantly worrying and fretting about money.  How to pay the bills.   I work my butt off constantly, in front of the computer, day and night.  On and on.   The pressure, the stress, the worries.  All those things take me away from what I really want.  And I feel like it’s all my fault.

But, as I walked, I looked around at the beauty of my surroundings; the rolling hills and mountains, the barn swallows chasing the evening insects, the cows grazing lazily in the fields, the red winged blackbirds perched along the fence posts, the colors of the setting sun playing against the backdrop of the clouds that dotted the sky.  And it made me stop and think about the fact that all these gifts that are freely given, to me, to enjoy, to soak up, to be a part of.  As I crested the top the of the last hill in the first half of my walk, there,  in the field were three beautiful white tailed deer.  So gorgeous and the perfect bow to the package that was wrapped all around me.  Like the icing on the cake.  I watched them for a few minutes until they caught my scent in the breeze and bounded off into the safety of the woods.

As I turned to head back the way I came, I took some deep, soul-cleansing breaths and decided I needed to stop lamenting all my failures, stop focusing on the fears and worries, and look at things in a different light.  In the light of all that I have been blessed with.  In light of those ‘gifts freely given’.  And it occurred to me, one of those ah-ha and duh moments, that not just was the beauty of nature a gift freely given, but so was, so are my children, my marriage, my home.  Duh! (Yes, some of those gifts were worked for, but they were miracles, gifts in my life, nonetheless.) And here I was, screaming at them, ignoring them, pushing them to the side, treating them in way that was not at all appreciative.  I have been taking them for granted.  And because of some of the situations that I, myself, had created, I was taking out my frustrations and angst on them.  How dare I do that?  I realized it was time for that to stop.  It was a freeing moment, a freeing realization.

Over the next few days, my thoughts focused on this newly found relief.  And the ah-ha’s expanded.  Here I am.  I have been given these incredible gifts.  Gifts I dreamed of all my life.  But I wasn’t ‘using’ them.  I wasn’t showing them the appreciation and the love and thankfulness they deserved.  I was, in sad reality, ignoring them, taking them for granted.  Yes, they had been given to me and they were mine but there it ended.  I wanted more, I needed more.  All these other things were interfering.  The fears, the worries, the frustrations, The need to work constantly.  To do more.  To prove more.  And it hit me, how can I have room in my life for more gifts if I haven’t even opened and enjoyed the ones that I already have?  There is no room for anything more.  It’s like if you get a ton of gifts for Christmas and instead of opening them, you just stack them in a corner, unopened, unused, unloved, unappreciated and leave them there.  When the next Christmas rolls around, no one is going to give you anything else because you haven’t even played with what they gave you last year and they see that you have no room for anything more.  It’s all well and good to visualize and dream and set goals and put your thoughts out in the universe, but when your gift basket is full, you have to appreciate, not just with lip service of thanks, but also with your actions of gratitude, the gifts in that basket.  Share your love with them.  Only then can more gifts be added to your basket.  But, and this is a big but, you cannot appreciate the gifts you already have just because you want more.  You must freely give your love and appreciation, with no expectation of anything back in return.  Yes, it’s a no brainer that that which you put out there will come back to you, but you can’t do it for that reason, for that expectation.  You do it with true and honest love in your heart.  True gratitude.  And gratitude, thanks, thanksgiving and appreciation all require action.  Not just words.

My life has changed since that walk.  Yes, the challenges are still there but internally, my soul, my perspective has shifted.  I am cherishing my gifts.  Taking time out to play games with the kids, go to the lake with the family, embrace them just because.  Is it all roses and peaches?  No, but those moments of togetherness, those “Mommy, I love you.” moments, taking time to breath and relish that which is around me make the challenges less daunting and overwhelming.  Each day is a new opportunity to enjoy these wonderful gifts I have been so blessed with.  A corner has been turned in my life.  A new chapter has begun and I am so thankful I turned that page at long last.

Getting ready to head out in a few minutes for our evening family walk.  Always such a nice way to calm ourselves and wind down from the day, spending a half hour or so, enjoying each other’s company and relishing the beauty of the landscape aournd us.

Where has compassion disappeared to?  There are chances to teach in almost every situation.  Why can’t ADULTS see this?  Our youngest son is playing his first year of baseball, on the 5-6 youth league here in Fairview.  While most of the teams in the league are fun and even if our team loses, the kids still have a good team, there are two teams in this particular who have coaches who seem to have lost touch with reality, sportsmanship and companionship.  (No, I am not going to name names, but if they read this, I HOPE they know who they are and I’m sure parents of the opposing teams know to whom I refer.)

I do not know how it is in other leagues around the area, but in this league, there is a horrendous unbalance when the coaches choose their team players at the very beginning of the ball season.  They are able to choose their players and know who they are getting, who has played before, how good the players are, etc.  Our coach is brand new to coaching this year and sadly for her, the league stacked her team with the youngest and the newest players while ensuring that their teams were stacked in just the opposite way.  How fair is that concept?  Why do they not do a lottery?  Put all the players’ names in a hat and take turn pulling from the hat.  Then the teams are balanced.  There are no ‘super’ teams in the league.  And then, then if the coach can coach/teach all the ‘hat’ players how to really play, then, hey, my hat is off to them.  But when you intentionally stack teams with the best players, I’m really not at all impressed with your coaching abilities.  Or maybe it doesn’t have to even all a lottery.  I’d even be okay with each coach being able to choose a third of his/her players (so three on a team of nine) off the top and then having the remaining names put into a pool.  And then again, they would be put in the position of actually teaching/coaching their teams into winning teams.

I know this season is getting close to being over.  But there is still time to teach the players some compassion.  When the opposing team is losing 15-0 or worse, why not pull your outfielders (the less experienced players) into the infield and putting the infielders in the outfield.  This MIGHT even the playing field (no pun intended) out.  And in addition, it would give those less experienced players a chance to learn something new and improve their skills.   (Wow, there’s a thought.  Both teams might benefit from the whole experience!) And is it really necessary to continually send the winning teams runners all the way around the bases when the younger, smaller and more inexperienced players on the opposing/not winning team are just trying to learn the fundamentals of catching the ball and where to throw it?  Must you really win by 20 or more points?

This is in NO way any fault of the players.  This is a ‘shame on you’ to the coaches, the ADULTS, who should know better.  Do you really want and/or need these little guys who are playing on your teams to grow up and think this is the way things should be?  Can’t you take this wonderful opportunity that you have right in the palm of your hand and teach them about compassion?

My children, as well as all the other students across the state North Carolina, are once again undergoing the inane and dreaded EOG (End of Grade) testing for their schools.  As my oldest son says whenever we get on this subject, “Oh, don’t get mom started.”  And he’s right.  This whole system, which does little, if anything, for the students, is an outrage in my opinion.  For over the past month, the teachers have hardly been teaching the kids anything new.  Why?
Because they have to prepare them for these tests, because they have to ‘teach to the test’.  Why?  Because their jobs, their pay, the funding their schools receive, are all dependent on the results of these tests.  So for the last two months or more of our children’s school year, they learn very little new material.  And, yes, our tax dollars are paying for this insanity.  We should all be outraged!  The teachers, the school administrators, have to, for job security, for funding, make sure the students as well as possible on these tests so they must, by necessity, teach mostly what these tests will entail in order to prepare the students for them.  Wouldn’t it be more logical, as well as more educational, to teach them, throughout the year, what they need to learn and not have to jump through the mandated EOG testing hoops at the end of each year?  (Not only do they have to spend time at the end of the year doing this, but they also do practice EOG testing at the beginning of each year to see where the students stand ahead of time.)

The pressure all this nonsense places on the students, the administrators and the teachers is absurd.  We still, as a country, as a state, have a ridiculously high drop-out rate.  Our schools are still very underfunded (just watch the news these days.  More and more educational budget cuts are expected in the upcoming school year. It makes me so sad.  Let’s cut the money going toward educating the future generation.  Yeah, that makes total sense.  NOT!  Our children’s future depends on this; OUR futures depend on the children in school today. ) Then you take into account that the schools that do struggle with ‘making these marks’ are generally in areas that have a higher poverty rate and fewer parents at home to help with homework issues (because they’re working two plus jobs just to get by) and lower teacher salaries.  So, they don’t make the mark, they don’t get the funding and they fall further behind.  And, the cycle continues.

There must be a better solution.  I have no idea what the cost to the states, to the government, is to put out these EOG tests, to pay for the grading, to pay for the results, to keep track of all this, but my guess is that it is pretty darn high.  Wouldn’t it make more sense to put that money into the educational system in a more constructive way?  Maybe something like paying our teachers a better salary.  Maybe like not having our teachers live under the constant threat of budget cuts and layoffs?  Maybe allowing teachers to actually teach new material over the last two months of the school year?  Maybe something like putting more money into special services and/or tutoring for those students that are struggling with keeping up?  What happened to teaching the basics?  To administering finals at the end of the year to see if the kids learned the materials they were taught in the classroom and basing their academic acheivement on that?  It seems to me that when we were growing up and going to school, our teachers taught us the basics, we learned them and we moved on and educationally, we were a strong country (keeping in mind that I am 45 years old).  Our drop out rates were lower.  What happened?  And why, oh why, do we have this insane and inane EOG system going now?

Here is the essay I wrote for my application for UNCA admissions this fall.  The prompt was Choose a person of historical significance you would like to have dinner with and explain why.

As a woman, wife, student, business owner and mother of five children, I would relish the opportunity to sit down with Gloria Steinem and share a meal.  Although she was not the first or only woman to be instrumental in the women’s rights movement, she was certainly very influential.

There are certain things I would like to ask her.  The most important question I would pose to her would be, if she could stand where we are now and look back at her push toward women in the workplace, especially, would today’s reality meet up with what her vision was in the 1970’s?  Again, being a woman with all the other hats I wear in my life and although I certainly agree that women should have the right, the choice to work, vote, be paid the same as men, etc., I have to wonder if the women who led the women’s  movement,  expected that while women would achieve most of these rights, they would also, almost always, still retain the responsibilities of running the home, taking care of the children, preparing meals for their families, household chores, etc., even while working at least part-time outside the home.  If Ms. Steinem had had a crystal ball to see this vision of the future, I wonder if she would have been more specific in her push, stating that women should not have to shoulder the same responsibilities of the past and also the new ones they were afforded with their new rights.

I had the most wonderful Mother’s day this year.  Nothing exotic, expensive or frilly.  Just a relaxing, fun day with my five children and my husband.  I slept in, until 10:30 am, and got up to a spic and span house.  Joe and the kids had cleaned the entire downstairs, including mopping the kitchen floor! I promised myself that I would take the whole day and not work a lick and I stuck to that promise.  (A very difficult thing for a workaholic to do.)

After hanging out on the front porch, sipping my several cups of morning coffee, we all piled in the car and headed over the NC Arboretum.  We took a leisurely four plus mile hike around their grounds.  The weather was just perfect.  Not too hot, a nice breeze blowing through the trees, clear blue skies.  When we got back home, Joe and the kids made a delicious pork roast with potatoes and applesauce.  It was the perfect way, the perfect day to celebrate motherhood.  Relaxing, cherishing and spending time with my family.  Yep.  Life is good.

Started Meghan’s softball tournament in Etowah early yesterday morning. The schedule we were told was that her team would play their first game at 10:30. If they won that, they would play again at 1pm; if they lost the first game, they would play again at 3pm. And that would be it. No mention of playing any other games. Apparently, communication is not a strong point.

Poor Meg. On her very first up to bat, the pitcher threw a wild ball and it slammed Meghan right in the side, hard. The umpire asked her if she wanted to leave to the field instead of taking the base, to which, while in pain, Meghan answered yes. Then, she was taken off the roster for the rest of the game! Apparently that is the rule. If you leave the field, you are out for the rest of the game (this was in the 2nd inning!). Now, please note here that the umpire did not tell her this would be the case if she left the field! After much fuss on my part (mama bear running wild!), she was allowed back in after that inning. Anyway, her team lost that first game In between, we went out to Hendersonville to visit my sister and her family, then back to the ball park. Played the second game and won, 11-0! Behold, because we won, they had yet another game at 7:30pm! Yikes. Long day for these kids and cold last night on the field and none of us were prepared for that. Behold, again, we won the 7:30 game and we’re now going back this afternoon for a 2:00 game. If we lose that, we’re done. If we win, the girls have ONE more game at 3:30pm.

Maybe I’m a very confused person (and that is quite possible. hehehehe) but I always thought tournaments and playoffs came at the end of the season? These teams have had 2 weeks of practice and one week of games, and now this weekend long tournament. Just seems backwards to me.

I’m interested to see what happens today at the game(s). After Meghan got hit in the mouth on Friday night, I was pretty upset with the coaches for not allowing her to have a helmet on during warmups(She’s been the team’s catcher, sharing occasionally with another girl) and I made that clear. Probably not too nicely. Then after the fiasco with her being almost pulled from the first game yesterday after getting hit and asked if she wanted to leave the field, without being told the consesquences, I was upset and again, as that mama bear, I made it it a tad clear. Well, since that second incident, Meghan has not been put back in the catcher’s position and instead has been in the outfield. During the second game yesterday, I thought maybe they were just allowing her a little breather and a chance to chill. But when we went back for the 7:30pm game, she was not allowed to catch again. I told her to tell her coach she wanted to catch and that she was ready again. She came back and told me that he told her no because he needed someone fast in that position! EXCUSE ME? Are you serious? She has been catcher for 2 years. She rocks. Nothing like this has ever been brought up before. And honestly, Meghan and the other catcher are on equal grounds on their catching abilities. And now all of a sudden she isn’t catching. And he actually had the audacity to say what he did to her?????? I did not blow last night although lord knows, I surely wanted to explode. I will see what happens today. If she is still pulled from that position, then I will go ‘nicely’ talk to the coach. If I pissed him off then he should deal with me and not take it out on her. And he certainly should never have said what he did to her. How about, why don’t you take a game or two out to recover from your hits and get more comfortable with the ball? Or something like that. Even James, our oldest son, who goes head to head with Meghan constantly, when he heard what the coach did and said, was ready to raise Kane!
We’ll see what the day brings.

Anyway, enough about that. Here’s to the Scorchers winning the tournament today and bringing home the championship!!!!!

Frankie’s first baseball game was an absolute hoot last night. OMG. Our team got massacred because the other team had players that had played for a year or two and our team has never played before and they had only had four practices. (Normally, the teams practice for at least 4 weeks before they start playing actual games, but for some stupid reason they’ve changed it this year and they only practiced for 2 weeks prior. NOT a good change!) But, being what it was, we just took it as that and laughed and laughed. For instance, Frankie got up to bat, hit a foul and ran to first. Good boy! Everyone told him it was a foul and to go back. But he pretty much ignored that advice and kept on a’runnin’! Ran all the bases while we all laughed hysterically. He was so proud when he got to home plate. Then we just told him he got to hit again! And he did! Got a base hit. That’s my boy! When he got to second, the next boy got to first and decided he should keep running, and he headed to second but Frankie had to stay on second so the other boy got out. One little boy, when told to leave first and head to second, took off into the outfield! Another little boy, when he caught the ball, refused to give it back to the pitcher for play to continue until our coach came and got it from him. He was protecting that ball at all costs! I’m telling you, we all got our laughter quotient for the day. Have another game on Thursday.

A nice gentle spring rain is falling outside, so inside activities are what’s on tap around our home, Hearth Haven. James is making chocolate chip cookies and I have bread dough rising. Joe, Topher and TJ are working on their Odyssey of the Mind column structure project for the state competition which will be held at Wingate College on April 10th. Their team won first place in the regional competition, so they get to compete at state! If they win that, then they will head to the world competition. Go Team Kane!

Miss Shayla came through her surgery last night with no signs of cancer! Apparently the radiation had caused some scar tissue to develop which became infected so they had to remove a few inches of her bowel and her appendix. She’s still in pain and needs her rest, but no signs of any other cancer, so that’s wonderful! The power of prayer and positive though is amazing.

Now that spring is upon us, it’s time for us to get some more baby chicks. We’ve reinforced their pen and coop area to keep the raccoons at bay (sadly, raccoons massacred our small flock just before Christmas). The boys cleaned out the coop yesterday. Now that we have our new pup, she’s going to be given the job of protecting our girls, too, along with Roscoe, our Great Pyrennees. Thankfully, a friend of ours just down the road has a huge flock, so we’ve been able to get ‘real’ eggs during our own lapse.

Along with checking out chicks, it’s time to start planning the garden, ordering seeds, etc. I love spring and all that come with it!