One Sunday evening, several weeks ago,  I took a walk by myself after having a very challenging emotional day.  I was like the Tazmanian devil all day.  Unsettled internally; feeling like a total maniac and a horrible mother, etc.  Finally around 7:30, I realized I just had to get away from everything.  As I was heading over to our favorite walking spot, just down the road, I realized how many times I have said I just need to get away by myself, get away from everything, even if just for a day or two.  It hit me all at once that one thing I cannot get away from is myself.  Getting away from the other stuff is relatively easy.  But how do I get away from the ‘shitty committee’ that screams so loudly in my head?  How would I truly relax when the me inside would be there, being its typical hamster, running and running and running in that silly little ball.

As I started walking, the tears were streaming down my face.  What had happened?  Why couldn’t I be, why wasn’t I that person I had always so wanted to be? Why was I screaming at my beautiful, precious children?  Children I had fought so hard to have.  First there was James.  After being told that without very expensive procedures to help me get pregnant (which we couldn’t possibly afford), there was hardly any chance that we would ever have children biologically, we embarked on the road to adoption.  Miraculously, within two months, we were holding our precious two day old baby boy in the NICU of the Alaska Native Medical Center.  Then there was the unforgettable day when our fertility specialist told us that we were pregnant at long last, and not just with one, but with three miracles.  And then, totally out of the blue, came the unexpected miracle of the little Frankster.  All five of these incredible gifts, our children, are so precious to me and yet I don’t seem to be able to enjoy them as I want to.  To revel in them.  Because I’m constantly working, constantly worrying and fretting about money.  How to pay the bills.   I work my butt off constantly, in front of the computer, day and night.  On and on.   The pressure, the stress, the worries.  All those things take me away from what I really want.  And I feel like it’s all my fault.

But, as I walked, I looked around at the beauty of my surroundings; the rolling hills and mountains, the barn swallows chasing the evening insects, the cows grazing lazily in the fields, the red winged blackbirds perched along the fence posts, the colors of the setting sun playing against the backdrop of the clouds that dotted the sky.  And it made me stop and think about the fact that all these gifts that are freely given, to me, to enjoy, to soak up, to be a part of.  As I crested the top the of the last hill in the first half of my walk, there,  in the field were three beautiful white tailed deer.  So gorgeous and the perfect bow to the package that was wrapped all around me.  Like the icing on the cake.  I watched them for a few minutes until they caught my scent in the breeze and bounded off into the safety of the woods.

As I turned to head back the way I came, I took some deep, soul-cleansing breaths and decided I needed to stop lamenting all my failures, stop focusing on the fears and worries, and look at things in a different light.  In the light of all that I have been blessed with.  In light of those ‘gifts freely given’.  And it occurred to me, one of those ah-ha and duh moments, that not just was the beauty of nature a gift freely given, but so was, so are my children, my marriage, my home.  Duh! (Yes, some of those gifts were worked for, but they were miracles, gifts in my life, nonetheless.) And here I was, screaming at them, ignoring them, pushing them to the side, treating them in way that was not at all appreciative.  I have been taking them for granted.  And because of some of the situations that I, myself, had created, I was taking out my frustrations and angst on them.  How dare I do that?  I realized it was time for that to stop.  It was a freeing moment, a freeing realization.

Over the next few days, my thoughts focused on this newly found relief.  And the ah-ha’s expanded.  Here I am.  I have been given these incredible gifts.  Gifts I dreamed of all my life.  But I wasn’t ‘using’ them.  I wasn’t showing them the appreciation and the love and thankfulness they deserved.  I was, in sad reality, ignoring them, taking them for granted.  Yes, they had been given to me and they were mine but there it ended.  I wanted more, I needed more.  All these other things were interfering.  The fears, the worries, the frustrations, The need to work constantly.  To do more.  To prove more.  And it hit me, how can I have room in my life for more gifts if I haven’t even opened and enjoyed the ones that I already have?  There is no room for anything more.  It’s like if you get a ton of gifts for Christmas and instead of opening them, you just stack them in a corner, unopened, unused, unloved, unappreciated and leave them there.  When the next Christmas rolls around, no one is going to give you anything else because you haven’t even played with what they gave you last year and they see that you have no room for anything more.  It’s all well and good to visualize and dream and set goals and put your thoughts out in the universe, but when your gift basket is full, you have to appreciate, not just with lip service of thanks, but also with your actions of gratitude, the gifts in that basket.  Share your love with them.  Only then can more gifts be added to your basket.  But, and this is a big but, you cannot appreciate the gifts you already have just because you want more.  You must freely give your love and appreciation, with no expectation of anything back in return.  Yes, it’s a no brainer that that which you put out there will come back to you, but you can’t do it for that reason, for that expectation.  You do it with true and honest love in your heart.  True gratitude.  And gratitude, thanks, thanksgiving and appreciation all require action.  Not just words.

My life has changed since that walk.  Yes, the challenges are still there but internally, my soul, my perspective has shifted.  I am cherishing my gifts.  Taking time out to play games with the kids, go to the lake with the family, embrace them just because.  Is it all roses and peaches?  No, but those moments of togetherness, those “Mommy, I love you.” moments, taking time to breath and relish that which is around me make the challenges less daunting and overwhelming.  Each day is a new opportunity to enjoy these wonderful gifts I have been so blessed with.  A corner has been turned in my life.  A new chapter has begun and I am so thankful I turned that page at long last.

A nice gentle spring rain is falling outside, so inside activities are what’s on tap around our home, Hearth Haven. James is making chocolate chip cookies and I have bread dough rising. Joe, Topher and TJ are working on their Odyssey of the Mind column structure project for the state competition which will be held at Wingate College on April 10th. Their team won first place in the regional competition, so they get to compete at state! If they win that, then they will head to the world competition. Go Team Kane!

Miss Shayla came through her surgery last night with no signs of cancer! Apparently the radiation had caused some scar tissue to develop which became infected so they had to remove a few inches of her bowel and her appendix. She’s still in pain and needs her rest, but no signs of any other cancer, so that’s wonderful! The power of prayer and positive though is amazing.

Now that spring is upon us, it’s time for us to get some more baby chicks. We’ve reinforced their pen and coop area to keep the raccoons at bay (sadly, raccoons massacred our small flock just before Christmas). The boys cleaned out the coop yesterday. Now that we have our new pup, she’s going to be given the job of protecting our girls, too, along with Roscoe, our Great Pyrennees. Thankfully, a friend of ours just down the road has a huge flock, so we’ve been able to get ‘real’ eggs during our own lapse.

Along with checking out chicks, it’s time to start planning the garden, ordering seeds, etc. I love spring and all that come with it!

First day of Spring and what a beautiful day it is. Sunny, not a cloud in the sky.  Birds are singing and building their spring nests. The pansies and geraniums I planted in the pots on the front porch are gorgeous. Supposed to be almost 70 this afternoon. Welcome, Spring. We sure need you after this long, crazy and snow-filled winter. James and Tyler have cleaned out the chicken coop as we need to get ready for some chicks after the raccoons decimated our flock before Christmas. I have donned my apron this morning and have 2 ½ dozen blueberry muffins in the oven. Quiches to follow shortly. Frankie has been playing with his new sidewalk chalk in the driveway and Meghan, Topher and TJ are at their respective classes at UNCA for Super Saturdays.
Yesterday was another gorgeous day. Frankie and I met with a tax client then we had lunch on the sidewalk at Clingman Café. Kitty joined us as we enjoyed our lunches and sat in the sun. She’s a sidewalk café dog! Love it. After that we went to the French Broad River park for a half hour walk. They have a doggie park there, too, so we let Kitty play. She is so NOT aggressive toward other dogs. She just wanted to be near people and be pet. When the other dogs came to sniff her, she would just roll over. Not an ounce of aggression in her  sweet heart. We left there and drove just down the road to Carrier Park so Frankie could play on the playground there for a little while. It was a nice afternoon. Last night was Meghan’s night to go out with me. We headed back to Carrier Park and took another half hour walk. I think half of Asheville’s residents were out there soaking up the inspiring weather. After that we went to India Garden for wonderful curried meal. I love that her tastes are open to the exotic. We had a fun night out, spending mother-daughter time together.
I’m following my plan with the health resolution. Eating well, taking my supplements and getting exercise. The Celexa withdrawal symptoms are easing every day. I am already feeling better about myself and what I am doing to help myself. It will be a step-by-step, day by day, journey and one that will last a lifetime, but I’m ready for that. And I’m not denying myself things. Not cutting out entire food groups. This has to be something I can live with, so eating healthier, smaller portions is going to be a key. That along with daily movement will make a difference. I need to accept and understand that it’s not going to be dramatic, fast weight loss and I need to know, in my heart, that that’s okay. A couple pounds a week must become acceptable to me and I need to not become discouraged when it doesn’t happen overnight, knowing that with each day, I’m becoming healthier and stronger. The scale, the numbers, cannot rule my life. That is such a hurdle for me.
Poor Jennifer. Had to take Shayla to the hospital last night. She is having surgery this morning as they found she has some sort of blockage in her intestines. I stand in honor of Jennifer. How she finds the strength to get through all this, to fight these battles is beyond me. A year and a half ago, on Jennifer’s birthday, little Miss Shay was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She’s come through that; it’s in remission, and now she is hit with whatever this is. It just seems so unfair to me. All that Jenn, Shay and Savannah are going through. The battle rages on. My prayers are that the opposing armies will retreat and leave these beautiful girls alone.
Enough already. Jennifer is my hero. Her strength an inspiration.

Eight years ago today was a gloomy and sad morning for our family, as dad had passed away just after midnight. My step-mother and I were with him as he took his final breath in this life and passed over to the next. As sad as it was to bid farewell, the peace that swept over his face in that final moment was just incredible. He had been suffering in pain for several weeks as we had to stand by and watch, but at that passing moment, you just knew that all that pain was wiped away and he had gone to place of love and painlessness, and joy. I am eternally grateful that I was fortunate enough to be with him at that time. (It was the day before Meghan, Topher and TJ’s 2nd birthday.)

I still miss my dad to this day. Of course, as they say, time has lessened the pain, but there are definitely times when I just wish I could pick up the phone and call him and tell him about something special that has happened in my day that I know he would have loved to hear about. I wish he could have had the chance to get to know the triplets longer and to have met Frankie, and to see James as he has been growing up to be the incredible young man that stands before me today. I wish he had been around to see Joe and I buy this old farmhouse we have been living in now for almost three years. Dad instilled in me the love for old farmhouses! He would have loved it. Of course, he most certainly would have told us that we need to make our garden bigger! But, alas, Dad, that will come in time. I promise. I can almost see dad sitting on the front porch with me, in one of the rocking chairs, with his trusty pipe in his hand, his drivers hat on and his old gardening shoes, telling stories and enjoying his grandchildren and a mild spring day.

To be perfectly honest, the relationship between myself and my father, in my adult years, was often tumultuous. To this day, I still do not understand why it had to be that way. And sadly, I guess I will never have peace with that. We had many ups and downs over those years but the bottom line is that I loved him so deeply it sometimes hurt and still does. He was my hero in my childhood. Protecting me from things that never should have been; taking me fishing; calling me Pawtucket; teaching me my love of family, animals, gardening, nature; guiding me along the way; holding my hand as we walked through the fields in Pennsylvania; reading me Uncle Remus stories-complete with the accent!; cheering me on as Joe and I moved to Alaska (a dream he instilled in me); cheering us on again as we adopted James; trying his best to teach me to slow down and enjoy the stillness of life more (still working on that one, Dad!). And all those things override and calm the storms that at times brewed between us and my love and admiration for my father shine through.

I need to learn to putter a little more in my life. My father had the art of puttering down to a science! He puttered in his gardens. He puttered in the kitchen. He puttered around the house. Pipe in one hand, coffee cup in the other. He enjoyed what was around him. He literally took the time to smell the coffee and the roses. That is a lesson I need to implement in my life more. I am constantly on the run. Everything seems like a MUST get done right now. But in reality, there are many things that can wait till the morrow. There is a balance and in honor of my father, I need to work on that.

I love you, Dad, and I miss your physical presence in my life. I know you are with me in spirit and someday, we will see other again and I want you to read me an Uncle Remus story while we fish on a lake somewhere!

Until then!

It is my sincere hope that everyone had as wonderful a Thanksgiving as we did here at Hearth Haven (what we have named our home). The bounty of blessings that enveloped us all in the form of loving friends and family, the enticing aromas and flavors of home cooked food, the chatter of all the voices and soothing music in the background warmed us through and through.

And now, we are headed into December. We always begin the month with a birthday celebration for our oldest son, James. This year he is going to be 14. Still not sure how that happened, it has. And he is growing into such an incredible young man. Kind, considerate, empathic, caring, honest and loving. We couldn’t be prouder.

Then it will be into the homestretch as we approach Christmas. A great deal of thought and time goes into our gift exchanging. We used to find ourselves caught up in the ‘gotta haves’ but have learned  how much more special the holidays have become since forethought and care and consideration have become the norm. What would mean the most to this person? Is there something I can make for him/her? What are their needs and desires right now? It’s become not about how much but about how much thought.

Thanksgiving 2009

It’s almost the big day. The kids are talking about their favorite things to eat. Our tree of giving looks beautiful and I’m so glad our children know how blessed they are. Today we made our stuffing, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin cake. We toasted our slivered almonds and pine nuts for the sauteed green beans. Did some other prep work, too, so more time can be spent sitting and visiting with our family and friends. I’ll be picking up my mother in Hendersonville around 9am then come back to get the turkey in the oven. The rest of our guests will be here around 2pm. In the morning, we will also watch the Macy’s Parade, as is our tradition. I guess tonight we’ll be dreaming of turkey, gravy, ham and sweet potatoes.

Happy Thanksgiving, one and all!

Our Tree of Thanks

The preparations for our Thanksgiving feast are well under way. Joe just went to his mother’s to pick up our extra long table. Last night the kids and I made our pumpkin pie. Today we’ve made the stuffing, a pumpkin cake, whole berry cranberry sauce, and toasted the nuts for the sauteed green beans. The kids have also cut out all the leaves for our Tree of Thanks which will be on display tomorrow. Everyone will write some things they are thankful for on the leaves and then hang them on the tree.

We’ve cleaned out the refrigerators (yes, we have two. With a family of seven, it’s pretty much a necessity!) to make sure there’s room for everything. The turkey is thawing. I’ve made what I hope is my last run to the grocery store. Things that need to be refrigerated are in the frig, just chillin’.

And we have such a beautiful to celebrate. The sky is blue and it’s in the low 60′s. Thank you, Universe!

What’s on yours?

Thanksgiving at the Kane’s

Turkey

Blackberry and Kahlua glazed ham

Sausage and pecan stuffing

Sweet potato casserole topped with mini-marshmallows (per Frankie’s request)

Sautéed fresh green beans

Jellied cranberry sauce

Homemade whole cranberry sauce

Caviar pie

Deviled eggs

Apple rings

Mandarin orange sections

Cresent rolls

Creamed onions

Gravy

Banana bread

Pumpkin ginger bread

Homemade pickles (dills and bread & butter)

Apple pie

Pumpkin pie

Berry cobbler

Pecan pie

Pumpkin cake

Oh, yeah, a big nap afterwards!

Thanksgiving 2008

Twas the night before the night before Thanksgiving at our house. We are cutting out foam board leaves to decorate our Thanksgiving branches with leaves filled with things we are thankful for. The kids are having a great time and are spending time thinking about those many things in their lives they have for which to give thanks. A special pondering and one we should all do on a daily basis, not just once a year. After dinner, we will make our pumpkin pie and a pumpkin cake (my husband’s favorite!). Tomorrow we will work on stuffing, homemade whole cranberry sauce and berry cobbler. We made our pumpkin and banana breads over the weekend. Our house shall be full on Thanksgiving day with our gang of seven, my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, my mother, and our dear friends, Dawn and Thomas and their son, Jed. Looking forward to breaking bread with some very special people in our lives!

Each year, my daughter, Paige, and I make a Tree of Thanks for our table centerpiece.  It’s a craft idea I saw on familyfun.com years ago when Paige was a preschooler.  She’s now 14 and we still make one every Thanksgiving.  Here’s an image of what one looks like:

To make a Tree of Thanks, you will need:

- bare tree branch
- small flower pot
- art sand
- your choice of colored foam or construction paper
- permanent marker
- scissors
- ornament hangers or straightened paper clip

Fill your flower pot with sand and insert your bare tree branch into pot.  Cut colored leaves out of your colored foam or construction paper.  Push an ornament hanger or straightened paper clip through the stem of each leaf and hang on tree.  On Thanksgiving Day before we eat, we sit around the table and each write down something we’re thankful for on a few leaves and share those things with guests and family members before hanging our leaves back on the tree.

I love this tradition because it helps us all to slow down for a minute or two after the frantic cooking and before we eat and watch those football games or take those naps to take stock of what the season is all about.